People in your LDS Ward

I recently had the chance to take a road trip with two good friends of mine. One of them is a young man who was days away from submitting himself to the Missionary Training Center. The other is an apostate. Needless to say, the long hours driving through Necbraska and other vehicular forms of Limbo provided opportunity for discussions ranging from surviving the soon to occur zombie apocalypse, the Louisiana Purchase, the relative merits of crunchy versus soft tacos, and the LDS Church.
In the midst of these conversations I got to thinking about some people that I have known in the various Wards that I have attended. Maybe you will recognize some of them. Maybe one of them is you. If it is, maybe you should talk to your Bishop.
Just dont tell mine, ok?

The Know It All Doctrinal Expert- This is the guy who can expound at length about the Adam-God theory and reads his scriptures in the original Hebrew text. He is either found teaching the Gospel Doctrine class, or in the hall during Sunday School, because it seems that everyone I have known like that cant seem to tolerate sittting through a doctrine class taught by anyone else. He is usually also the first to stand and bear his testimony on Fast sunday and all of his Facebook status updates are of a religous nature.

The Good Scoutmaster- this guy is the Saint in Latter Day Saints. He is the one who the boys in the ward probably love more than Nintendo. He sacrifices all of his vacation time from work to take your kid camping. At missionary farewells he is rarely asked to speak, but probably has more to do with that young punk ending up on a mission than anyone else, except maybe the kid's Mom.

The Bad Scoutmaster: This guy has been Scoutmaster for about four months, with maybe one more to go. He has not attended any Scout training for leaders because he already knows how to play basketball.

The Porter Rockwell: This guy probably scares the crap out of most of the Ward members. He is the one who has a very strong testimony of food storage, but not much else. And, he can quote scripture and conference talks on that very subject for hours. He offers to teach the Scouts how to shoot and hunt because most pansy fathers cant be bothered with such essentials. He talks about the mobbings in Missouri and the Massacre at Haun's Mill with a far-off look in his eye, and you kind of get the idea that he wishes someone would try something like that on his watch. Yes, people in the Ward are kind of scared of him, but at leat 73% of them have his address memeorized in case they ever need to run somewhere for food.

The newlyweds- These kids are hilarious. When asked to talk in Sacrament meeting, the husband will basically give a talk he had left over from his mission, and the wife will tell everyone the story of how they met and dated. it is usually as nausiating as the part in Saturdays Warrior when those two people meet and sing "The circle of our love" while waving thier hands in a circle. THe Bishop will soon call them to be Nursery leaders together because they just cant stand to be apart. Gag.

The Crumudgeon: This is the old guy (Or sometimes Sister) in the ward who faught the Nazis, and don't you forget it. He is usually a widower (or widow) but is keeping his options open and has probably had a crush on Sister so and so since the Johnson administration. He walks to church becasue he cant drive anymore and has had a surgery in recent months, but when someone needs help with a service project he is the only one to show up. Little kids love him despite his grumpiness, but as they grow older he really freaks them out becasue of the hair growing out of his ears.

The Prozack Poster Child: This poor sister does everything, or at least thinks that she should. Cub Scouts, Girl Scouts, PTA, neighborhood watch, you name it. She has a painted on smile almost as creepy as the Joker's, and usually dimples, too. Whenever you go to a Ward activity, she is involved somehow. She never rests until finally she snaps and either moves quietly out of the neighborhood or takes hostages.

The Politician: everyone knows this guy. He is always there smiling and shaking everyone's hand, and most new members of the ward assume he is the Bishop untill told differently. he signs up for every service project but never shows, and is usually at his best when arguing with the Know It All about the Apocrypha.

The Token Liberal: Every Ward seems to have one. He's the guy with the pink shirt on Sunday and the only Obama sticker in the parking lot. He and his wife will usually have only one child (gasp) and send it to private school. He seems to make good money but drives an older volkswagon.

The Fundamentalist Mormon- Also known as the Sterotype- eleven children, and has never seen a PG 13 Movie (even the Book of Mormon Movie). Drives a mini van with more cheerios under the seats than in a General Mills Factory. Can often be heard muttering "Flipping" ths or "Fetching" that. Makes his kids play with Scripture Hero action figures on Sunday and in his own way is more repressed than the Prozac Poster Child and is scarier than the Porter Rockwell.

The Decent Guy- This is the guy that gives all members of the LDS faith a good name. He returns phone calls and shows up when hes supposed to. He genuinally seems to care about you and spends time with his kids. Hes not out to convert the world, but many people have joined the Church because of his example. Likely as not he is married to the Relief Society President and takes up the slack when the Elders Quorum President or High Preist Group Leader drop the ball again.